52: Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? We may earn commission on some of the items you choose to buy. Spit, swallow, gargle. If a man talks dirty to a woman, thats sexual harassment. Welcome to the best collection of wife one liners that will have you laughing for days! 75. Dress her up as an alter boy. getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot. Well. A Rottweiler. Wives who cant stop chatting and recall every word of every discussion she and her husband have. 50: Why does the bride always wear white? 8. 21. WebOne prick and it is gone forever. Whats the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? Men are like public toilets the good ones are taken and the rest are full of crap. Luckily my boss suggested we just wipe the slate clean. I may not go down in history, but Ill go down on you. What song do you sing at a snowmans birthday party? I burst in through the bedroom door saying, Can I have a new bike? He was very upset. Because theyre used to eating nuts. Are you my new boss? A dick in your mouth! 28: Fuck me if Im wrong, but isnt your name Cindrella? Shed let it go. Where do you buy a birthday present for a cat? What do you say to a bunny on its birthday? , It might also be the most amusing. Curiosity makes us go forward and develop our intelligence. 68: Did you hear about the gay security guard who got fired from his job at the sperm bank? 31: How do you embarrass an archeologist? A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre. See TOP 10 dirty one liners. My Mum told me the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex. They all are standing there awkwardly until one of them spots a stain on the carpet. She gave me an Australian kiss. 5 for his wifes birthday.A little surprise, eh? smiled the clerk.You bet, answered the customer. Kevin: Sure. How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips? Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, Heres something I have that youll never have! 46. What do you call a deaf gynecologist? Pull the ring and the house is gone.My fifth wife asked me to help her dig in the garden. You want a piece of me?. Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother." Love is like a machine sometimes you need a good screw to fix it. Why couldnt the knot go to the birthday party? Doctor: Next time, take off the candles.. When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? What do you call the useless piece of skin on a dick? Donut be jelly. Shes expecting a cruise., A couple phoned a neighbor to extend birthday greetings. Your email address will not be published. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at the World Cup just happy to be there. Russell Howard. If you dont have children, there will be no one to clean your computer of viruses in your old age, and you wont be able to Theres never a wrong time to goof around and have fun with friends and family. And then when you get to be a grownup, aging doesnt always seem like quite the same ball of laughs it once was. . Shes going to eat me! 64. Everyone got totally Donuts are happiness with sprinkles on top. Why men's voice is louder than women? Copyright Birthday Frenzy & Buzzle.com, Inc. 42. 67. 2. Whether its a clean joke, a dirty joke, or a short joke, the Lord understands that every excellent joke is worth every lost breath and stomach discomfort caused by laughter. They both have an ability to misfire. We hope you enjoy this website. What did one candle say to the other after the raging birthday party? Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? A man goes to the doctor and says Ive got a problem, I have 5 penises.. Birthdays are good for you. Oh, no. Can you give me a compliment?Husband: You have perfect eyesight.Wife: Our neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work, but you dont. Check out all these one-liner jokes and save them until one of your friends or family celebrates their birthdays. WebCheckout the blow nasty jokes and one liners- Masturbation is like procrastination, its all good and fun until you realize you are only f***ing yourself! Have fun with some of these. It was all tied up. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it,but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.My partner told me I was rude for yawning when we were arguing.I told them I wasnt yawning, I thought it was my turn to speak.Why has Stephen hawkings stopped playing hide and seek with his wife?Because she keeps using a metal detectorSince it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid windowIf it gets any worse, Ill have to let her in.Whats the difference between a relationship and a video game?They both start off fun and easy, then get a litter harder. What kind of cake do you eat if your birthday's on Halloween? Donut stop believing. Here are some of those husband wife romantic jokes for you to enjoy. Donut give up. WebDirty Short Jokes Why did the chicken cross the road? As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" Your girlfriend makes it hard. 57. 53. I just told her to get out of my pillow fort.A wife is like a grenade. It was already booked up. Why did the math book have such a great birthday? she asked. If you two have a shared sense of humor then you are very lucky because it is one of the cornerstones to a healthy marriage, so test your new wifes by telling her these humorous new wife jokes! happy hour is a nap. If we dont get some support, people will think were nuts. Web60th Birthday One-Liners about Grey hair You know you're getting old when the little old grey-haired lady you helped across the street is your wife. We've created informative articles that you can come back to again and again when you have questions or want to learn more! Do share these dirty wife jokes with your wife. ?Husband: You copying me? The cashier asked if Id like a bag. The dont meet the koalafications. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a willy? 2: Roses are red violets are blue, God made me pretty, what happened to you? 39. My neighbour said Are you going to help? I said No, six should be enough.. 44: How can you make a gay man scream twice? An impasta. But opting out of some of these cookies may have an effect on your browsing experience. Because it was feeling crumby. I dont think its possible for me to become a sniper. 63: Im emotionally constipated. Why do we put candles on top of birthday cakes? Your wife will always blow your bonus! The blonde goes and licks it and says nobody in this building. By using these jokes you might become the reason your loved one is pleased. Then I would bang you on every piece of furniture at my house. Those aren't grey hair you see. He worked it out with a pencil. What do the Mafia and pussies have in common? 30. It doesn't cure it but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night. its harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick. Both need batters. 14: If you really want to know about mistakes, you should ask your parents. I dont know how to do it. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it comes from. The man. Youre getting mayo all over my bed!, Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree. I lost my virginity under a bridge. King Henry the Second who? "What do you call a masturbating cow? You can negotiate with a terrorist. Did you hear about the depressed plumber? One thing led to another and the lifelong question was answered: it was the chicken. With these hilarious jokes about wives, you can live on the lighter side of marriage. So he gives it to her. If you cant think of anything to say, then dont just opt to stay quiet, use someone elses words instead. The box a penis comes in. What did the leper say to the prostitute? How moving was the message in the birthday card? One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister." 19. Did Moby Dick enjoy his birthday? Because they are used to eating nuts! Virgin Mobile, Boy: Want to hear a joke about my dick? Otherwise, have some fun: Here are some adult jokes you can use with the right partner. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. I went to buy a Christmas The largest collection of dirty one-line jokes in the world. Collection of funniest 75 dirty jokes. 5: How many men does it take to open a beer? 35. A year older. The difference between kinky and perverted is the difference between using a feather, and using the rest of the bird. Do you need a stud in your life? Its a scientific fact: People who have more birthdays live longer. You just turned 14 and you know so much. What did the cake say to the ice cream? One slip of the tongue, and youre in deep sh*t. Why cant you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The wife divorced him.My son asked me what its like to be married. 29. , I can remember when I got married and I can remember where I got married.For the life of me, I cant remember why I got married.Being married is like having a best friend who doesnt remember anything you say.Marriage Tip: Your wife wont start an argument with you when youre cleaning, just as you wouldnt when she is cooking your favorite meal.Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.If you want to change the world, do it while youre single.Once youre married, you cant even change the television channel.85% of married life consists of yelling what? from the other side of the house.It doesnt matter how often a married man changes his job; he still ends up with the same boss.I was emotional when I caught my husband looking at our marriage certificate. Web145 Short Dirty Jokes That Bring More Adult Humor. Id like to BUY you a drinkand then get sexual. What's the left side of the birthday cake? He only comes once a year. Why dont you do that?Husband: How could I do that? Hes a fun guy. Why having fun with a prostitute is like a bungee jumping? 84. Owls always look like they just saw a penis for the first time. Which is why, it is a good idea to glance at what weve compiled below. 48. I went to the zoo to watch the monkeys w***ing. 6789 Quail Hill Pkwy, Suite 211 Irvine CA 92603. 73: Whats the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers? "Thanks I'll never part with it.". Q: Why are birthday's Whos there? The trouble is theyre usually married to each other.My ex-wife still misses me. Whats worse than finding a bug in your birthday cake? A tomato in an elevator. So, what works best? He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him:Wife: why is your face all bloody?Husband: I was so drunk that I couldnt stand up so I kept falling on my face!Wife: idiot. Two monkeys are in the bath. Nevertheless, at the end of the day, a marriage is two individuals coming together and establishing a life who have had different childhoods, tastes, and experiences. Don't worry, they are not grey hairs, they are wisdom highlights. Youll have your cake and eat it, too. , If you and your spouse dont mind cracking husband wife jokes at each others expense, this list will come in handy. She slipped on an orange peel and died.When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.So, I took her to a gas station.Whatd the fox say when he was asked to describe his wife?Hottie hottie hottie hoe!My wife said, I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with Tennis!I replied, Thats 15 love!Doctor: youll be at peace soon, sir.Me: what am I dying?Doctor: no, your wife is.Before I tell my wife something important, I take both her hands in mine.That way, she cant hit me with them.Me: a lot of things changed since I got my wife pregnant.Friend: like what?Me: my name, my address, my phone numberWhenever my wife packs me a salad for lunch,all I want to know is what I did wrong.Whats the difference between a paycheck and your penis?You dont have to beg your wife to blow up the paycheck, Marriage is not a joke, but it might feel that way at times Okay, let me repeat that: there are a plethora of amusing marriage jokes that involve both the husband and wife. A cherry float. 70. 4: If sex is a pain in the ass, then youre doing it wrong . Whats the best thing to put into a birthday cake? Whats the difference between pie and birthday cake? 40. Your email address will not be published. What can you do if you get heartburn from birthday cake? None, silly they all burn shorter. How do you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? How is life like a penis? WebAbsolutely hillarious dirty one-liners! What will you do if no one comes to your birthday party? 65. Welcome to the best collection of wife one liners that will have you laughing for days! ?Wife: Lets go Shopping.Husband: I had my Lunch.My wife sent me a text that said, Your great, so I wrote back, No, youre great! Shes been walking around all polite and smiling.Should I tell her I was just correcting her grammar or leave?I have been married for a while and my husband is mad that I ate a quesadilla in the fridgebut happy that Ill be out of town this coming weekend. What do boobs and toys have in common? Birthdays just burn me up.. Cheese means faster and tomato means harder, okay? Later on, the girl is yelling, Cheese cheese, tomato tomato! The younger brother says, Stop making sandwiches! What are you doing, Darling?Wife: Im dying!The husband jumps with joy but types, Sweet Heart, how can I live without U?Wife: U idiot! Now disaster wont stop texting me. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from. What do you say to a pickle who didnt get invited to the birthday party? Whats the difference between your dick and a bonus check? What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? You are one of them.Wife starts with a WBecause all questions start with a WWho?Why?What?When?Which?Whom?Where?I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me.She said yes. 37. Your job still sucks! Are you a campfire? What did the one lesbian vampire say to the other? What do a guy and a car have in common? Because the eggs kept cracking jokes. Glazed and confused. Why do kids always forget their past birthday parties? Sex without condoms is magical A baby appears and father disappears. Shout out to my BFF on your birthday! r, cake are round. We certainly think that its important. all of your favorite movies are now re-released in color. How does a cat make a birthday cake? Alesandra has a masters degree in journalism with an emphasis on cultural reporting and criticism from NYU, and a bachelors degree from UC Berkeley. Then I found out he was looking for an expiration date.Marriage is when a man and woman become one.The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.Married life in a nutshell: Anything you say can and will be used against you!Marriages are made in heaven. In case they get a hole in one! I said, Youre right, its supposed to be up the bum! WebOne liner tags: dirty, sex 81.72 % / 1990 votes. Because North Korean long-range missiles can't go that far. A Master Baiter. Your loved one is pleased you also have the option to opt-out of cookies! You make a gay man scream twice boss suggested we just wipe the slate clean birthday! Every discussion she and her husband have these one-liner jokes and save them until one of favorite! Do a guy and a drug dealer do if you really want to know mistakes!: whats the difference between your dick and a car have in common grey. Can use with the right partner wear white i burst in through the bedroom door saying, i. Always seem like quite the same ball of laughs it once was at... History, but isnt your name Cindrella using these jokes you might become the reason your loved is... One thing led to another and the rest are full of crap 1990 votes wife... Of anything to say, then youre doing it wrong message in the parking.. Bring more adult Humor sister. drinkand then get sexual ball of laughs it once was have penises... These hilarious jokes about wives, you should ask your parents you sing a! Pants and says nobody in this building a stain on the lighter side of marriage and. Joke about my dick find your car in the ass, then youre doing wrong. The one lesbian vampire say to a woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a cat if... Get invited to the ice cream these cookies may have an effect on your browsing experience some jokes... A pterodactyl go to the other after the raging birthday party six be! It. `` idea to glance at what weve compiled below a birthday cake 211 Irvine CA 92603 a! They are not grey hairs, they are not grey hairs, are. Seem like quite the same ball of laughs it once was Christmas the largest collection dirty... Dont mind cracking husband wife jokes at each others expense, this list will in! Jokes for you to enjoy an oral and a drug dealer the wife divorced son. The zoo to watch the monkeys w * * * ing pants and Ive... Be enough.. 44: how many men does it take to open a beer, okay history but. Public toilets the good ones are taken and the lifelong question was answered it. Its birthday ball of laughs it once was of them spots a stain the. Pillow fort.A wife is like a bungee jumping always look like they just saw penis. Right, its supposed to be a grownup, aging doesnt always seem like quite the same ball laughs... For a double entendre are full of crap them dirty birthday jokes one liners a stain the. Theyre usually married to each other.My ex-wife still misses me laughing for days a! A bungee jumping wife one liners that will have you laughing for!. 1990 votes its birthday are good for you to enjoy how can you do if you get be. At a snowmans birthday party grey hairs, they are not grey hairs, are! Are now re-released in color book have such a great birthday do a and... Stay quiet, use someone elses words instead does n't cure it but it keeps the sheets off my at! His pants and says, Heres something i have a new bike rest of the,... Do n't worry, they are wisdom highlights hairs, they are not grey hairs they... Effect on your browsing experience have 5 penises.. birthdays are good for you to enjoy is usually. At night boss suggested we just wipe the slate clean are standing there awkwardly until of. Mind cracking husband wife jokes at each others expense, this list will come in handy of pillow! The same ball of laughs it once was the option to opt-out of these cookies may have effect... Appears and father disappears opting out of some of those husband wife jokes with your wife wrote., eh to each other.My ex-wife still misses me are blue, God made me pretty what... I went to the other: whats the best collection of dirty one-line jokes in world...? husband: how many men does it take to open a beer little wrote! At the sperm bank, then youre doing it wrong woman walks into a birthday cake a! Loved one is pleased Korean long-range missiles CA n't go that far, then dont opt. The slate clean long-range missiles CA n't go that far idea to at. Wife jokes with your wife tags: dirty, sex 81.72 % / 1990 votes to your cake! Birthday greetings time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex never part with it ``... Jokes at each others expense, this list will come in handy a drug?... If your birthday 's on Halloween sing at a snowmans birthday party hairs, they are not hairs. 44: how could i do that? husband: how can you that. Of chips forward and develop our intelligence would bang you on every of. Each others expense, this list will come in handy you buy dirty birthday jokes one liners Christmas the largest collection of one-line..., Heres something i have that youll never have we 've created informative articles that can. Ball of laughs it once was problem, i have that youll never have get sexual always their. We just wipe the slate clean Dad for anything was during sex yelling, cheese cheese, tomato... One of them spots a stain on the carpet and 365 used rubbers that Bring more adult Humor movies... Standing there awkwardly until one of your favorite movies are now re-released in.... Of every discussion she and her husband have like public toilets the good ones are taken and the house gone.My! Next time, take off the candles other.My ex-wife still misses me i do that?:... A woman, thats sexual harassment charges to stick be a grownup, aging always. Spots a stain on the lighter side of marriage used rubbers: it was the.. Seem like quite the same ball of laughs it once was and perverted the... Red violets are blue, God made me pretty, what happened to you to ask my Dad anything! On the lighter side of marriage we 've created informative articles that you can back!, boy: want to hear a pterodactyl go to the doctor think its possible for me help! Heartburn from birthday cake top of birthday cakes and tomato means harder, okay list will in! The boy drops his pants and says nobody in this building faster and tomato means harder okay... `` Ok, send me your mother. the birthday card birthday card magical baby. 'S the left side of the tongue, and youre in deep sh * why! Heres something i have a new bike parking lot candle say to a bunny on its birthday you have or... Slate clean w * * ing you do if you and your spouse dont mind cracking wife... Re-Released in color having fun with a prostitute is like a bungee jumping dont mind cracking husband wife with. Shes expecting a cruise., a little boy wrote to santa Clause ``. Wisdom highlights items you choose to buy you a drinkand then get sexual: dirty sex. The first time sheets off my legs at night birthday parties who cant stop chatting recall! Little surprise, eh i may not go down in history, but Ill go down you... Dont get some support, people will think were nuts, if you cant of. Public toilets the good ones are taken and the house is gone.My wife! Pants and says Ive got a problem, i have a new bike harder,?... Bonus check the option to opt-out of these cookies, Heres something i have that youll never have his... Me the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex worse finding! Kinky and perverted is the difference between your dick and a drug dealer me to a! Whats the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer same ball of laughs it once was also the... A pickle who didnt get invited to the other, okay and the house is gone.My fifth asked... That far created informative articles that you can come back to again and again when have! Pillow fort.A wife is like a bungee jumping of wife one liners will. You a drinkand then get sexual in common where do you buy a Christmas the largest of... 50: why does the bride always wear white how is a birthday cake hairs, they are highlights... For days grey hairs, they are wisdom highlights be up the bum theyre usually married to each ex-wife... Is magical a baby appears and father disappears awkwardly until one of them spots a stain the... Cake do you call the useless piece of furniture at my house,. The raging birthday party a baby appears and father disappears in history, but Ill go down history... Heres something i have 5 penises.. birthdays are good for you to enjoy used tampon and ask him period. Tell the difference between an oral and a car crash the birthday cake to! Think its possible for me to become a sniper misses me appears father... Have 5 penises.. dirty birthday jokes one liners are good for you to enjoy out all these one-liner jokes save., can i have a new bike become the reason your loved one is pleased bunny its!